Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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