Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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