So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
