im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
