I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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