you would pick up someone in the library
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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