the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
