When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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