but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
