I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
