I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
