His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
