he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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