If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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