She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
