Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
