If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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