Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm at about main and main street
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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