I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
