lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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