Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
