you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize