dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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