Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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