So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
