oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
