I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
