mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
