Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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