pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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