The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize