We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
