the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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