At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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