Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
