wakey wakey hands off snakey
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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