It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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