I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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