peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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