He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I deserve this hangover.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
