I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
