I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
