Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Did I show you my penis last night?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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