And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
