Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
