There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
