As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
