i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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