Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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