Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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