8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
smell my finger.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
