Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
