Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
