How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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