Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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