i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My vagina just clenched in fear
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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