The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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